Moral Fatigue

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The terms and conditions that comes with being a good girl  is stifling me.

I need air.

I took the reins of my life off expectations and definitions and steered it in a direction that makes me breathe more calmly.

The fruit of that transition is: I no longer crave to be and do things that I do not want to do.

I no longer crave to laugh at things that are not funny to me, and feel odd because they do not.

I no longer give compliments I do not mean because it is expected of me.

I no longer shrink myself or make myself pliant to make others feel good.

I no longer desire to live up to a good that stifles my values and beliefs. 

I no longer want to be good, I want to be me in all my complexities and without apologies.

I do not want my right for preferences  stifled. I want to explore. Find different versions of me and test how they respond to the world.

I find that at times, to be good in the spaces that matter is to ‘prove’ and put up a sterling performance of why I qualify to gain entry into that space. 

I have made peace with the realisation that I do not want to have to prove or be that kind of good and I do not want to matter in that space.

I only want to matter in places that I was born to matter, in places where my authenticity is perceived correctly.

More importantly, I want to matter in the places that matter to me, places where I can be. I do not necessarily have to do or prove, I just have to be.

I no longer aspire to possibilities that have no bearing with purpose because…”You are supposed to”,”It is what is expected of you”

I took the human equivalent of what poetic license is to literature — L I B E R T Y

I gave up moral fatigue, took freedom and clutched my values. All intact.

I took more responsibility for my own life and extended to others the permission to do same.

It is called emotional responsibility.

It is called audacity.

It is called adulting.