Limbo

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Dear Diary: January 31st, 2018.

Room Alone, Kano State, Nigeria.

There is a name for a feeling that isn’t sadness or joy or indifference. You are just placid, you are unmoved about things that matter, your passion is depleted, your energy level is beyond red, and I am tired is now an anthem. Your zeal is on the floor and picking it up seems like such a toughie.

You are tired and drained emotionally & socially.

Emotionally because your priorities were misplaced, socially because you are surrounded by people who just don’t get it.

You hear move on and you are wondering, what exactly does that mean?

Some few months before you probably could bag a cum laud dissecting what it means to move on and why you should, now you just want to stay there.

Your will power no longer takes orders from your heart, it takes orders from your mood. Your mood right now is volatile and you know that is dangerous.

It doesn’t help that everyone has a say on how you should get out of this limbo and with every phone call and text and are you okay? You keep taking one foot backwards.

You are weary from explaining that what is going on isn’t what they think it is but you also cannot explain what is going on how it is, so you are at the mercy of their interpretation.

You are in a limbo and you are exhausted from it all.

You want the woman you used to be, you want her back and badly too.

So you start to take baby steps. Each day is a step forward in the right direction, you quit the pity party and explanations.

You start to live.

You pull off the sheets and shake off the feelings.

Soon the woman you are now will seem like a blurry vision on the rear view on your drive to wholeness.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other Dee, it will all add up soon enough.

Your grit, your fierceness , your passion, your zeal, the woman you are.

Soon…