In recent times, I have had cause to leaf through the pages of my old journals. Expectedly, this process sends me into deep thinking mode. The scribbles in those journals represents a lot. For the sake of this post though, I will be making a temporary call on ‘aborted pursuits’ because I listened to ‘her’.
‘Her’ represents many things. It could be parents, relatives, friends, mentors, colleagues but more importantly it represents you and the voice on your inside.
At times, ‘her’ is not ‘them’, it is YOU.
Going through my journal, I read a portion that held clear instructions for an aspect of my life in a particular season. That season was a strategic season. It had me forced out of my ‘comfort zone’ and sent me to a ‘strange place’. In this place, I was exposed to the different ways in which God exhibits Himself in people. I was also exposed to a new environment which came with new experiences, a new way of experiencing God and that triggered a thought process that was slightly different. As is the norm with human nature when confronted with something different, I had issues adjusting.
Adjusting to the thought process and putting it out there.
I would constantly ask myself “is this me or is this God?” “I couldn’t have made this up”, “where is this coming from?”
I knew without a shadow of doubt that in that season, I was supposed to be writing and putting those thoughts out there. The writings weren’t for me. It was for an audience that was defined by Him.
What was in it for me?
The process of writing and conceiving those thoughts was making me evolve. I was becoming a kind of person. I was in a partnership with God (still am), He provides the content, I represent it using the language of my audience and then put it on a platform. We had a deal and He stuck to his part of the deal. I had torrents of writings and published them daily for 7 months consistently- a big deal in some quarters, especially when it is thought of in term of ‘content creation’. This wasn’t about creating content, it was about getting myself out of the way and pushing out words to people in a specific season.
As I type this, I can’t help but feel like a traitor. That season was to last for a specified period and I was to write during that specified period. I knew, He knew that I knew, I knew that He knew that I knew but I listened to ‘her’ and aborted the process.
‘She’ had told me: “Dee, you are too much, calm down”, “this is wayyyy too intense”, “you are doing this to prove a point right?” “where do you get the ‘knowledge’ from”?
At the time, I knew I owed no one an explanation, I knew I was on an assignment and trying to explain the ‘sense’ in what I was doing so my season could be justified as right or my evolving can be validated as right was a complete waste of time.
There is a right for every season that He endorses and whether or not it aligns to ‘her’ understanding of right should not matter.
I knew. I knew but still I caved in. I listened to ‘her’ and got screwed. I pulled out on a task that had lives connected to it. As I type this, I have a backlog of unpublished writings. There are times I go over those posts and I toy with the idea of publishing, but I know I can’t because I understand that there is a difference between writing a timeless post and writing a word in season.
It’s been over 3 months that season ended and now with hindsight, especially with an understanding of the sensitivity of the current season I am in, this is what I have resolved to do when ‘she’ comes talking.
- Stay calm. This perhaps, is one of the greatest skills on my current skill set. The goal is to gain mastery of this. To a very large extent, my emotions are not moved by people’s opinions. I really do not care. Right now though, I am working on ensuring that my conviction is unchanged by someone elses’s conviction about my conviction. If you are Christian and you have a relationship with God, you will get this. Hint: “I feel led to tell you….” and then ‘she’ spews her opinion using God as backup. Discernment- not everything that has God in it is of God.
- Selective Amnesia. Opinions disguised as ‘harmless feedback’ comes in varying ways. While I cannot control the output, I can control what I do with it. Some opinions will be sent to the recycle bin on my inside and deleted permanently. I am on a mission- He has communicated it to me severally, life practically reiterates it to me daily. No longer will I receive and apply every feedback to seem ‘humble’. I will learn to ‘log out’ of conversations that do not serve me and do it unapologetically.
Evolving is what this season is about. Calmness and selective amnesia are the tools I am leveraging on to facilitate the process.