Grief Changed Me

I watched Teni, sit for an interview with Chude Jideonwo the other day. During the interview, she spoke about how she dealt with loss and teared up at some point. Watching her carefully, I felt a familiar feeling — Grief.

Grieving is hard and it doesn’t have an automatic expiry date.

The paranoia, the anxiety, the mental battles, the feeling of helplessness, the resentment towards God, the unending questions.

Healing from grief & pain is a progressive journey.

On some days, I forget about the pain only to relieve the incident all over again through terrible nightmares and sometimes panic attacks.

I had days, I found myself questioning my faith in God and analyzing the futility of life.

What is life really about if the existence of the people you love is finite?

One minute you are trading ideas, planning a certain kind of future with them and the next minute, you are watching them die.

What is life really about?

Losing my father changed my life.

Losing him changed my life in a way that was both humbling and catastrophic. The pain cannot be described. To watch him lay on that hospital bed helplessly, his eyes staring at me intently begging me to save him…

My life hasn’t been the same.

My life may never be the same.

01-07-2019

It’s been two years and every anniversary is a reminder of what could have been.

‘Why did this happen?’

‘Why daddy?’

Grief colored my world differently.

It made me more emotionally mature. It made me sit up and become more conscious of the people around me and how to better appreciate them.

I find it deeply ironic that something so sad can birth something so pure; that a series of positives can spring from one negative experience.

When Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie wrote in her latest book — ‘Notes On Grief’ — that grief is a cruel kind of education, it hit home but not as close. In recent times, I have found that quote more resonant.

Grief schools you.

It provides perspective & clarity.

Grief made me more resolute about showing up for the people I love. I no longer portion control the fervency of my love for them.

I tell my friends I love them and I go all out for them.

I ‘smother’ my husband with love literally.

My siblings and mom are confident that Aderinsola will always be there.

I call my mom more often, I am more patient, more tolerant and more forgiving.

Grief changed me.

It taught me to be present & show up for the people I love and I hope to God I get better as the days go by.